A soul that just needs understanding from the world

2010-10-06T02:59:00.002+08:00

I always hated how you have chose to avoid me so as to not give me false hope. It hurt me so badly.

Yet..... i am doing it to others.

You, yOu, yoU and YOU..

i'm sorry.

I feel so terrible right now...... fuck this.

2010-10-03T20:20:00.003+08:00

i have read what u said on ur LJ. I am sorry, i don't know what to do or say anymore. i am all screwed up myself, so i can't decide the best way to solve this between us. I guess... we should distant ourselves; give each other some space until our hearts are ready to continue the next phrase. I am sorry for hurting you, i really am. I know that no amount of apology would make u feel better, but i still have to do it. This is the last time i would hurt you, i can't promise for sure, but i will do my best to uphold it. Until the day we have strengthen our resolves to face each other, it would be the day that we will smile truthfully to each other. You don't have to force a smile, because it is what i would last wish for. I just want you to be happy, and if leaving you alone to not hurt u further is what it takes, i will do so. I tried to make it up for you, to hurt you less.. but it only ended up hurting you more. I am so sorry...
I could not longer think right, and i ended up doing silly things to hurt you more. I am so sorry.... I really don't know what to do..... so, until the day you are ready to face me with whichever decision you have made, i shall not go into your life. Even if it means to be forgotten. You are a strong girl, someone who stands up no matter how much harsh things fall upon you, that's the girl i knew from you. So be strong. Perhaps it's very selfish of me, but this is the only thing i would want to ask from you. Please be strong and happy, because the smile you give, is the smile that gives others strength and warm. So please don't ever lose it.

As for another you, i thought that i have already lost my feelings for you... i never knew that seeing you once more would make my feelings come back so easily. I hate how weak i am. i spent so long trying to forget you, but mere seconds was all it took for me to have my feelings for you coming back.

"Give it up, it's useless"

was what i constantly tried to hypnotize myself with, but it seems like i am merely a heart-over-head person. I am such a fool for you. Such a useless one. Just seeing you once more would make my feelings come back, i am such a weakling. So soft-hearted. So weak. I told myself to keep my heart away from you, to not feel and to not be hurt. But just seeing you in person, breaks the chains i caged my feelings with. pathetic. I really am. sigh...

I don't want to fall for another someone anymore... because every time i fall for someone, i am hurt deeply everytime. I give up, this game of love.

Move on, sk. Just move on.

2010-09-22T03:07:00.002+08:00

And so it did happened. I have successfully step into the days i was when i was sec 3. No matter how much i wanna run away, it comes back and hunt me down. Now i am unknowingly being all angry for no reason. Now i am offending ppl around me without any thoughts. This sucks..badly. I am sorry people, i really am. I don't mean to be this way.... i am so sorry......

You know what is going to happen next? I will hack care everything; my friends, my family and my life. I will not care about people's feelings. I will not be concerned about anything. I will just do things without any thoughts. I will just let my body take control of my mind and soul. I will just hack care everything...

Then the final part comes, the me where i start to isolate myself away from everyone around me. My social circle and my family. A life of a living zombie without a single thought or emotion.

And so, shall the cycle take over me once again...

I detest this shit. I hate how these might be happening to me once more. I don't want this, but it is slowly clinging onto me. I wanna escape from this; i don't want history to repeat itself. I really hate this part of me.

Guess this is why i don't like to fall in love. Because once i fall, i will only fall deeper. First was a pri sch crush and without myself knowing, i carried a torch for her for 5 years. silly. Next was one i never imagine i would fall for her. She was someone who is not my type at all yet i fall for her so easily. We chatted 24/7 for a month. Yes, really 24/7. silly. Now this.

One by one, hurt me so badly. So cold and harsh. Seriously, is this how u treat a guy who loved u so badly??? First one, said 3 sentences to someone who confessed to her. "hi", "nope" and "bye". ouch? Second one, though u were in all those shit that happened, i stayed by you though u rejected me and was there for you but i guess you just took me for nothing huh? Now that u are all happy and out of ur shit, i was long forgotten huh? When u are in a panic and down, who was there for you and gave your advice? Who, i wonder? At least "this" most recent one isn't so bad... hurting at times but not harsh. thank god? lols..................

sigh... guess my only one success was my ex. The rest was merely crushes and puppy love.

Yes, i do admit that along my life, there were girls out there who was real sweet and concerned for me and i must have hurt you as well. I am really sorry. Just happens that factors played a part. I have no excuses, i just wanna apologise. I tried to make up to you but if it isn't enough, i really don't know what else can i do.... i tried my best. R, Y, S, X, H, K, R, K, P, W, K, C. You all been part of my life, and i am thankful for the much concerns you have shown me but... i am sorry that i have once hurt you or am hurting you... sorry. Girls who have the courage to confess, deserved to be love in every way and i am sure you can find someone who will love you more.

No, i am not affected merely by relationship. I am worried for my results. I know i did badly. Fuck.
I am guilty. I am guilty for quitting frisbee. Everytime i see my frisbee friends, i feel so ashamed. Everytime i see my friends in other polys looking forward to play on the field against me, i feel so bad. Everytime i walk to school, i see my coach's face on the poster.... i... looked away. I feel so bad hurting other girls because i couldn't offer my heart as it is taken.
I feel so lousy whenever i think that i am not concerned enough for this family. My little cousin is all trouble and everyone in the family hates him yet i chose to close one eye and pretend he is just a young kid. Yes, i know the bad things he did is more than what a naughty kid could do, but the thing is, i hack cared about him. My uncle is getting married soon, with his attitude and his son.... i ought to pity my aunt-to-be, but i chose to not be bothered about the father and son. I feel nothing.
My grandparents(father's side)'s health are getting worse but i aren't showing much concerns. Whenever i think of the things they did, i just can't....
I am sorry, i tried.
My grandmother(mother's side)'s health is worrying.. yet... i.... aren't very worried. Yes, i wasn't brought up by her so i dun feel as attached as my other cousins who was brought up by her from young but this isn't an excuse. this sucks. Why....
My grandfather(mother's side)'s lost his vision when i am young due to overworking for the family, yes, i have been trying to talk to him and be closer, but there is still this unknown distance.
My father is coming back to Singapore this saturday, but why aren't i as happy as my sister...? why?
My mom has been sick these days. Yes, she is getting better. But why.. aren't i worried sick? Why did i not put in a lot of effort to take care of her? why? Yes, i did take care of her, but i know it's not enough for a doting son.
My brother is in Australia for his University studies. But why have i never asked about anything about him? Why am i so unconcerned?
My sister and i had a huge arguement weeks ago, she cried. But why do i feel nothing? Nothing at all. I used to be angier or sad whenever i quarreled with her but this time, i feel nothing.

Something is very wrong with me. Why am i so unconcerned? I wanna care so badly, but nothing. Nothing is happening. Nothing is coming out. Why? what is wrong with me? FUCK THIS SHIT.
Last sat, i held my grandmother(mother's side)'s hand and chatted with her for the first time. It had me thinking, why is it so.... why am i doing it because my mind tells me to, and not my heart?
Every sat, when i held my grandfather(mother's side)'s hand and chat with him, why is it that i am doing it because i feel like i ought to, and not want to?
Why am i not feeling any love? Why am i feeling...nothing? I hate this.. i really do. I feel so guilty... fuck this.

Why is it that when i am with my friends, i smiled and i laughed but i don't feel happy? Everyone i have been with, even at the funniest joke, i laughed heartily but never happily?

That's all folks, i don't wish to go on.
Sorry for letting you read something so lengthy once more... If you know me well enough, u would have known that i like to express myself through words to make myself feel better, pardon me pls...
Take care and Smile always people! Because it's valuable. ^^

2010-09-20T04:11:00.003+08:00

I am tired... i really am. I am sick of myself. I hate this. I hate how i told myself to start anew when i entered poly. But as days passed, i realised that i am back-tracking to who i was when i was in sec 3. I hated the me then. I hate how i aren't happy. I hate how i aren't being myself before people. The me now isn't who i really am. I can't control my emotions anymore. I snapped at others for no reasons. I hate this, i really do. Why can't i be happy? why can't i be who i really am?

WHY? Why must I appear happy when i am sad? Just because i don't want people to be affected? It's tiring...

Why must love be so painful? Why must i always get such outcomes whenever i fell for someone? Do i really not deserved to be loved? Why must i always get hurt whenever i fell for someone? WHY? All i wanted was to be loved, is it really so difficult?

I had to hear it from another person. I had to be rejected through another person. Do u know how it feels? I didn't even get to say "i love you". I didn't even get to confess... Is it fair to me? You have been avoiding me, i know it. I can feel it. You think that will hurt less, but u are so wrong. It hurts more. You said you didn't wanna give me false hopes. It hurts. It sucks.

I told myself that my next relationship would be with someone i truly love and not just a crush. That was why i took my time. I not only wanna test myself if i had truly loved you, i wanted to be fair to you. I wanna shower u with all my love and not just mere puppy love. You were so sweet in the beginning that i totally melted but now you are avoiding me like i am so scary. Do you know how hurting it is? i was happy that u said u once had feelings for me, if i had known, i would go for it earlier but the feeling wouldn't be strong. It isn't fair to you, is it? But now, all is gone.....

I am the one hurt here. I am the one taking the effort to savage this last bit of friendship left at least. I feel so silly; i feel so stupid. Is it worth it?

It sucks whenever i think that everything i have done is for nothing. I feel that i am nothing to you. I feel so stupid. People around thinks that i shouldn't be so negative but hell, this is what i feel from you. If you had shown a little more concerns, i wouldn't be feeling like this. If you had shown more efforts in this friendship at least, i wouldn't think like this.

Now that there is this stupid misunderstanding between us that i assume, it sucks. I can't go forward and ask if what u said was for me. I can't stand still because it will keep worsening. I can't retreat because.... i love you. I care about you. Everything so fucked up around me was because of my concerns for you, but do u even know? Do you even care?

Tell me. Answer me. Tell me what to do. Answer all my worries.

Just.... tell me that i am overthinking.... that would make me feel so much better..

People don't know me. Nobody does.

I aren't that strong. I am just a boy that needs people's understanding. Is it really so difficult?

I am very tired.... i just wanna be myself. Who am i now?

People say i am always overthinking, reading too much into things, being too sensitive, caring too much and that's what made me so upset and not happy. I don't wanna care too, but can i?

Maybe if i had stopped caring, maybe if i had stopped loving, just maybe..... i would be a happier person.

So many things happened, so many words to say... i don't wish to go on anymore.

I am giving up... after this one last try i am going to make.

After this... it would be clear, that i will change once more; and yearn to be myself even more...

If love is an ocean wide, i choose to drown in this sea of tears and never surface. i give up. I need no consoles, i need no pity. I only need an answer. That's all.

2010-09-15T03:36:00.004+08:00

I already took a step and two steps back, no matter what i do,

it's never enough; never seen or felt.

If you had noticed, i actually deleted all my previous posts. I believe i wanna start a new life or in fact a different life from my past so this blog shall somehow contain the words towards my future and not my past. However, i would say it is rather embarrassing to start off the blog with such a post. Such an irony isn't it? Sorry folks~