I am tired... i really am. I am sick of myself. I hate this. I hate how i told myself to start anew when i entered poly. But as days passed, i realised that i am back-tracking to who i was when i was in sec 3. I hated the me then. I hate how i aren't happy. I hate how i aren't being myself before people. The me now isn't who i really am. I can't control my emotions anymore. I snapped at others for no reasons. I hate this, i really do. Why can't i be happy? why can't i be who i really am?

WHY? Why must I appear happy when i am sad? Just because i don't want people to be affected? It's tiring...

Why must love be so painful? Why must i always get such outcomes whenever i fell for someone? Do i really not deserved to be loved? Why must i always get hurt whenever i fell for someone? WHY? All i wanted was to be loved, is it really so difficult?

I had to hear it from another person. I had to be rejected through another person. Do u know how it feels? I didn't even get to say "i love you". I didn't even get to confess... Is it fair to me? You have been avoiding me, i know it. I can feel it. You think that will hurt less, but u are so wrong. It hurts more. You said you didn't wanna give me false hopes. It hurts. It sucks.

I told myself that my next relationship would be with someone i truly love and not just a crush. That was why i took my time. I not only wanna test myself if i had truly loved you, i wanted to be fair to you. I wanna shower u with all my love and not just mere puppy love. You were so sweet in the beginning that i totally melted but now you are avoiding me like i am so scary. Do you know how hurting it is? i was happy that u said u once had feelings for me, if i had known, i would go for it earlier but the feeling wouldn't be strong. It isn't fair to you, is it? But now, all is gone.....

I am the one hurt here. I am the one taking the effort to savage this last bit of friendship left at least. I feel so silly; i feel so stupid. Is it worth it?

It sucks whenever i think that everything i have done is for nothing. I feel that i am nothing to you. I feel so stupid. People around thinks that i shouldn't be so negative but hell, this is what i feel from you. If you had shown a little more concerns, i wouldn't be feeling like this. If you had shown more efforts in this friendship at least, i wouldn't think like this.

Now that there is this stupid misunderstanding between us that i assume, it sucks. I can't go forward and ask if what u said was for me. I can't stand still because it will keep worsening. I can't retreat because.... i love you. I care about you. Everything so fucked up around me was because of my concerns for you, but do u even know? Do you even care?

Tell me. Answer me. Tell me what to do. Answer all my worries.

Just.... tell me that i am overthinking.... that would make me feel so much better..

People don't know me. Nobody does.

I aren't that strong. I am just a boy that needs people's understanding. Is it really so difficult?

I am very tired.... i just wanna be myself. Who am i now?

People say i am always overthinking, reading too much into things, being too sensitive, caring too much and that's what made me so upset and not happy. I don't wanna care too, but can i?

Maybe if i had stopped caring, maybe if i had stopped loving, just maybe..... i would be a happier person.

So many things happened, so many words to say... i don't wish to go on anymore.