And so it did happened. I have successfully step into the days i was when i was sec 3. No matter how much i wanna run away, it comes back and hunt me down. Now i am unknowingly being all angry for no reason. Now i am offending ppl around me without any thoughts. This sucks..badly. I am sorry people, i really am. I don't mean to be this way.... i am so sorry......



You know what is going to happen next? I will hack care everything; my friends, my family and my life. I will not care about people's feelings. I will not be concerned about anything. I will just do things without any thoughts. I will just let my body take control of my mind and soul. I will just hack care everything...



Then the final part comes, the me where i start to isolate myself away from everyone around me. My social circle and my family. A life of a living zombie without a single thought or emotion.



And so, shall the cycle take over me once again...



I detest this shit. I hate how these might be happening to me once more. I don't want this, but it is slowly clinging onto me. I wanna escape from this; i don't want history to repeat itself. I really hate this part of me.



Guess this is why i don't like to fall in love. Because once i fall, i will only fall deeper. First was a pri sch crush and without myself knowing, i carried a torch for her for 5 years. silly. Next was one i never imagine i would fall for her. She was someone who is not my type at all yet i fall for her so easily. We chatted 24/7 for a month. Yes, really 24/7. silly. Now this.

One by one, hurt me so badly. So cold and harsh. Seriously, is this how u treat a guy who loved u so badly??? First one, said 3 sentences to someone who confessed to her. "hi", "nope" and "bye". ouch? Second one, though u were in all those shit that happened, i stayed by you though u rejected me and was there for you but i guess you just took me for nothing huh? Now that u are all happy and out of ur shit, i was long forgotten huh? When u are in a panic and down, who was there for you and gave your advice? Who, i wonder? At least "this" most recent one isn't so bad... hurting at times but not harsh. thank god? lols..................

sigh... guess my only one success was my ex. The rest was merely crushes and puppy love.



Yes, i do admit that along my life, there were girls out there who was real sweet and concerned for me and i must have hurt you as well. I am really sorry. Just happens that factors played a part. I have no excuses, i just wanna apologise. I tried to make up to you but if it isn't enough, i really don't know what else can i do.... i tried my best. R, Y, S, X, H, K, R, K, P, W, K, C. You all been part of my life, and i am thankful for the much concerns you have shown me but... i am sorry that i have once hurt you or am hurting you... sorry. Girls who have the courage to confess, deserved to be love in every way and i am sure you can find someone who will love you more.



No, i am not affected merely by relationship. I am worried for my results. I know i did badly. Fuck.
I am guilty. I am guilty for quitting frisbee. Everytime i see my frisbee friends, i feel so ashamed. Everytime i see my friends in other polys looking forward to play on the field against me, i feel so bad. Everytime i walk to school, i see my coach's face on the poster.... i... looked away. I feel so bad hurting other girls because i couldn't offer my heart as it is taken.
I feel so lousy whenever i think that i am not concerned enough for this family. My little cousin is all trouble and everyone in the family hates him yet i chose to close one eye and pretend he is just a young kid. Yes, i know the bad things he did is more than what a naughty kid could do, but the thing is, i hack cared about him. My uncle is getting married soon, with his attitude and his son.... i ought to pity my aunt-to-be, but i chose to not be bothered about the father and son. I feel nothing.
My grandparents(father's side)'s health are getting worse but i aren't showing much concerns. Whenever i think of the things they did, i just can't....
I am sorry, i tried.
My grandmother(mother's side)'s health is worrying.. yet... i.... aren't very worried. Yes, i wasn't brought up by her so i dun feel as attached as my other cousins who was brought up by her from young but this isn't an excuse. this sucks. Why....
My grandfather(mother's side)'s lost his vision when i am young due to overworking for the family, yes, i have been trying to talk to him and be closer, but there is still this unknown distance.
My father is coming back to Singapore this saturday, but why aren't i as happy as my sister...? why?
My mom has been sick these days. Yes, she is getting better. But why.. aren't i worried sick? Why did i not put in a lot of effort to take care of her? why? Yes, i did take care of her, but i know it's not enough for a doting son.
My brother is in Australia for his University studies. But why have i never asked about anything about him? Why am i so unconcerned?
My sister and i had a huge arguement weeks ago, she cried. But why do i feel nothing? Nothing at all. I used to be angier or sad whenever i quarreled with her but this time, i feel nothing.

Something is very wrong with me. Why am i so unconcerned? I wanna care so badly, but nothing. Nothing is happening. Nothing is coming out. Why? what is wrong with me? FUCK THIS SHIT.
Last sat, i held my grandmother(mother's side)'s hand and chatted with her for the first time. It had me thinking, why is it so.... why am i doing it because my mind tells me to, and not my heart?
Every sat, when i held my grandfather(mother's side)'s hand and chat with him, why is it that i am doing it because i feel like i ought to, and not want to?
Why am i not feeling any love? Why am i feeling...nothing? I hate this.. i really do. I feel so guilty... fuck this.

Why is it that when i am with my friends, i smiled and i laughed but i don't feel happy? Everyone i have been with, even at the funniest joke, i laughed heartily but never happily?

That's all folks, i don't wish to go on.
Sorry for letting you read something so lengthy once more... If you know me well enough, u would have known that i like to express myself through words to make myself feel better, pardon me pls...
Take care and Smile always people! Because it's valuable. ^^